I know a couple who love each other very much. They've been together for years. They live together, they share everything, they are married in all  respects save that they don't possess a state-sanctioned piece of paper that unites them under the law. They have chosen not to get married because they believe, as I do, that denying any consenting adult the right to marry the person they love, regardless of gender, is a miscarriage of the law and a violation of basic human rights. 

I've felt guilty on and off because I know for sure that if that special boy pops a ring on my finger one day, I wont be able to say no to take a stand. I just wont. I want my goddamn fairytale wedding with cake and a pretty dress and my dad all welled up with pride. I don't know if that makes me selfish or realistic or what it makes me. I'm outspoken about my beliefs, and I support the rights of same-sex couples any way I can, but I  feel sometimes like its not enough because I haven't made the decision to stand with those couples and NOT get married.

Here's the thing though...I believe in god. I have no idea what its nature or motivation is, but I've felt the presence of god on many occasions. I'm a believer for sure, but I cant do much about it. See, my god doesn't think that being gay is a disease or a choice or a problem. My god put people on this silly planet to love each other. We're meant to connect with people and share our lives and fears and experiences, and if we connect with someone whose naughty bits happen to match ours, my god doesn't see a problem with that. The god I know and love would never cast one of his kids into a fiery pit for all eternity for the elemental and FUCKING BEAUTIFUL act of just loving someone. In fact, my god never created any such pit, nor would he be cruel enough to use it as a scare tactic.

I don't know where my god lives. I certainly haven't found him in any church. I'd like to have a place to go on a regular basis to dedicate some of my time to appreciating my god and all the good things in the world, but I don't think that place exists. Sure, there are "open and affirming" churches that don't shun the gay community, but I need more than that. I want a religion that accepts people, period. I find something unsatisfying about the whole "acceptance in spite of the fact" deal. Maybe I want too much.

I'm going to give the whole marriage thing a lot of thought, and while I'm doing that, I'm going to keep doing what I can to foster some change so that some day the debate surrounding gay marriage will be a battle we've won. I suppose my point is that we all need to take a hard look at the world around us and stop allowing hate and hypocritical thinking to hold such sway over our society. I may get married some day, but I fear I'll always be a woman without a religion. It's okay though...my god loves me and he understands.

Leonard Cohen and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

You either "get" Leonard Cohen or you don't. There's really no middle ground, at least not in my experience. His voice isn't classically beautiful to listen to. It is throaty and monotone at times, and for many people, evokes emotions that are more comfortable when left unexamined. I have heard him compared to Tom Waits, sometimes favorably, and sometimes not. For me, Cohen is and always will be in a class by himself. They don't call him the "Prophet of Misery" for nothing.

As I type this, I am listening to 'Suzanne'. Cohen's guitar virtuosity amazes me as much today as it did when I was 19. His voice in this song is one of mourning and hope all at once and never fails to make me feel SOMETHING. It is easy to dismiss this music as depressing, but that really misses the point. There is pain in Cohen's voice, yes, but there is also a measure of celebration of hard-won life lessons, of taking the path your soul leads you on and looking back only to gain every ounce of joy and experience possible from the places you have been. I can get on board with that.

No matter where I go or how I feel, I keep Leonard Cohen with me. Some songs, some artists have the power to magnify our joy as well as our sorrow, and that is what he has always done for me. Real, raw emotion is all but missing from main-stream music and culture these days. When you find it, cherish it.

"If your life is a leaf,

that the seasons tear off and condemn,

they will bind you with love

that is graceful and green as a stem..."

Updates and ramblings.

It's a Wednesday morning, and I have just finished cleaning my house. I do this serious cleaning at least once a week. In a house with two busy people and two very energetic dogs, I have almost not choice in the matter. There are dishes and clutter and furballs (oh, my) and something has to be done about it. Whenever I complain about the state of the house, Joe laughs and says "This is what happens when you have kids." (referring to the dogs) I cant help but think, however, that human children wouldn't poop in the dining room, or leave large wads of hair on the couch. In any case the dogs aren't my real problem. I decided earlier that I would love nothing more than to round up all the previous tenants of this house and give them a lengthy lecture about basic housekeeping practices. Apparently, I am the first person to ever live here who is in possession of a broom and mop. The floors, being cleaned thoroughly every five days as they are, should be gleaming and beautiful, but as it is they are so damaged and were left dirty so long that they look dusty ang dull as soon as they dry. Also, there are stains in the toilet that (after a month of strenuous effort) are finally beginning to fade. I'm not certain what the original cause of these stains might have been but I'll venture a guess and say that two of the ingredients were laziness and human shit. Yes, it's as awesome as it sounds. Fortunately, Joe is extremely helpful. He doesnt generally do the deep cleaning that I do on my days off, but he does the dishes and I never come home to a lot of mess or clutter.

Our new puppy, Fisher is gaining weight and growing big and strong. He made it halfway up the stairs yesterday, which is a big accomplishment for someone with such short legs. Also, Rico is home with us now, and aside from his tendency to poop in the house, he's adjusting well. We're a big, happy, floor-poopin' family now. More later.

I'll manage...

I work in the food service industry. It's not the best job in the world, but neither is it unbearable. Due to the nature of the work, and the fact that it doesn't really pay all that well, we have a high employee turnover, and the people we manage to retain aren't always the best and brightest. I've been thinking a lot about the work I do and the people I'm surrounded by and I'm left with a burning question; What the hell, man?
Seriously though. I've always been of the opinion that whatever you dedicate your time to, be it sculpture or medicine or ditch digging, if you put your heart into it, and strive to do your absolute best, then you're creating something admirable, maybe even something beautiful. I realize that on the surface that sounds like cheesy motivational poster b.s. but I've found it to be true. A great many of my co-workers plod along every day, doing the bare minimum with a frown on their face and a chip on their shoulder. I can't live my life that way. I won't be a manager at a low-quality restaurant forever, but right now that's exactly what I am, and I take pride in being good at it. My job is only meaningless if I allow it to be. I stubbornly insist on finding the good in every day, and when I do, it flows over into the rest of my daily life and fills me up. I'm finding wisdom in rice cakes and inspiration on the soles of my shoes, and right now, at this point in my journey, I wouldn't have it any other way.

What are these animals?!?

I live in an non-smoking house, so out of necessity, I smoke outside. The weather being what it is, I don't go out frequently, so when I do, I'm in serious need of a cigarette. I have to bundle up, (sweater, coat, usually an amusing hat) and stand on my front porch shivering. This is a price I'm willing to pay for my habit. I am not, however, okay with being threatened by random neighborhood dogs. You see, this is a dead-end street, and because there is so little traffic, my neighbors allow their various pets to roam freely outside. Again, something I have no problem with, in and of itself. I even have nicknames for all the pets I encounter on the street. There's Homeless Kitty (he's not, actually), who begs to be let inside and has a weird eye, Sausage Dog, who is some sort of lab/beagle concoction and is morbidly obese, and Lack of Discipline Retriever, who comes over to say hello at every opportunity, disregarding her owner's calls. All of them are friendly enough and pose no problem.
So I was outside about 5 minutes ago, enjoying my first cigarette in several hours, when I was startled by a jingling noise behind me. I turned, and, to my horror, there stood Angry Dog. Angry Dog is the antithesis of the lovable neighborhood mutt. He/she/the dark lord of misery is a small, black dog, of no particular discernible breed. I have encountered this hell hound many time before, but usually he barks at me from a safe distance and then quietly goes away when I fail to react. Not so tonight. Angry Dog watched me for a moment and then began to growl and circle me (semi-circle, really). At first I was only annoyed and said casually "Fuck off, Kujo." Apparently Angry Dog took offense to the lame Stephen King reference, and advanced on me. I looked deep into Angry Dog's eyes, and the message there was clear; "Listen lady, I know you're on your porch, but as far as I'm concerned it's really my porch. So you have two options: go inside and my limited attention span will force me to forget you, or stay out here, and let me chew one of your extremities off. Your choice."
I threw my cigarette out and went inside. I wonder what to do next. Should I confront my neighbors about their evil dog, ignore the problem until it presents itself again, or....do I have to fight Angry Dog to the death, cage match style? Updates to follow...

We are the cross traffic that does not stop

I was thinking earlier about how emotionally insulated people are. Neil Gaiman reminded me that insulated means, literally, to be made an island. Think about that. It's been said that no man is an island, when in fact, we are all islands unto ourselves, and perhaps that is the common ground that unites us. You can never truly know the mind or heart of another person. We are only equipped to shoulder the weight of our own fears and feelings. To take on the full measure of another person's pain would either desensitize us fully, or send us spiraling into depression. Monsters or madmen, with very little middle ground.
The solution as I see it, in the interest of remaining sane and healthy, is a balance between empathy (NOT sympathy...learn the difference if you're unclear) and self-preservation. This is something I struggle with every day. It's a matter of giving of yourself while maintaining regard for your own well being. There is some degree of sacrifice involved. Empathy, in my opinion, is born of love, and love in any form requires compromise and sacrifice. However, that sacrifice should not be made at the expense of your mental or physical health. Your mind and heart must not be at odds.
This requires further thought on my part. More later.

The Why of Blogging

I'm a writer, or at least I'd like to be. I haven't written anything with any substance in over a year. It's discouraging and disheartening, and it makes me feel like a failure. I want to write. The ideas are there, I'd like to think the talent is present and accounted for as well, but I haven't put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) in 12 months or more. Why?
You tell me.
People blog for many reasons, personal, political, and otherwise. I'm just hoping to get my wheels in motion, figuratively speaking. This may be a glorified journal of my daily activities, or a laundry list of complaints, but just maybe, if I'm brave enough, I'll start a new project or two, and share them. I welcome any comments or advice.