Wednesday, January 16, 2008

What are these animals?!?

I live in an non-smoking house, so out of necessity, I smoke outside. The weather being what it is, I don't go out frequently, so when I do, I'm in serious need of a cigarette. I have to bundle up, (sweater, coat, usually an amusing hat) and stand on my front porch shivering. This is a price I'm willing to pay for my habit. I am not, however, okay with being threatened by random neighborhood dogs. You see, this is a dead-end street, and because there is so little traffic, my neighbors allow their various pets to roam freely outside. Again, something I have no problem with, in and of itself. I even have nicknames for all the pets I encounter on the street. There's Homeless Kitty (he's not, actually), who begs to be let inside and has a weird eye, Sausage Dog, who is some sort of lab/beagle concoction and is morbidly obese, and Lack of Discipline Retriever, who comes over to say hello at every opportunity, disregarding her owner's calls. All of them are friendly enough and pose no problem.
So I was outside about 5 minutes ago, enjoying my first cigarette in several hours, when I was startled by a jingling noise behind me. I turned, and, to my horror, there stood Angry Dog. Angry Dog is the antithesis of the lovable neighborhood mutt. He/she/the dark lord of misery is a small, black dog, of no particular discernible breed. I have encountered this hell hound many time before, but usually he barks at me from a safe distance and then quietly goes away when I fail to react. Not so tonight. Angry Dog watched me for a moment and then began to growl and circle me (semi-circle, really). At first I was only annoyed and said casually "Fuck off, Kujo." Apparently Angry Dog took offense to the lame Stephen King reference, and advanced on me. I looked deep into Angry Dog's eyes, and the message there was clear; "Listen lady, I know you're on your porch, but as far as I'm concerned it's really my porch. So you have two options: go inside and my limited attention span will force me to forget you, or stay out here, and let me chew one of your extremities off. Your choice."
I threw my cigarette out and went inside. I wonder what to do next. Should I confront my neighbors about their evil dog, ignore the problem until it presents itself again, or....do I have to fight Angry Dog to the death, cage match style? Updates to follow...