I know a couple who love each other very much. They've been together for years. They live together, they share everything, they are married in all  respects save that they don't possess a state-sanctioned piece of paper that unites them under the law. They have chosen not to get married because they believe, as I do, that denying any consenting adult the right to marry the person they love, regardless of gender, is a miscarriage of the law and a violation of basic human rights. 

I've felt guilty on and off because I know for sure that if that special boy pops a ring on my finger one day, I wont be able to say no to take a stand. I just wont. I want my goddamn fairytale wedding with cake and a pretty dress and my dad all welled up with pride. I don't know if that makes me selfish or realistic or what it makes me. I'm outspoken about my beliefs, and I support the rights of same-sex couples any way I can, but I  feel sometimes like its not enough because I haven't made the decision to stand with those couples and NOT get married.

Here's the thing though...I believe in god. I have no idea what its nature or motivation is, but I've felt the presence of god on many occasions. I'm a believer for sure, but I cant do much about it. See, my god doesn't think that being gay is a disease or a choice or a problem. My god put people on this silly planet to love each other. We're meant to connect with people and share our lives and fears and experiences, and if we connect with someone whose naughty bits happen to match ours, my god doesn't see a problem with that. The god I know and love would never cast one of his kids into a fiery pit for all eternity for the elemental and FUCKING BEAUTIFUL act of just loving someone. In fact, my god never created any such pit, nor would he be cruel enough to use it as a scare tactic.

I don't know where my god lives. I certainly haven't found him in any church. I'd like to have a place to go on a regular basis to dedicate some of my time to appreciating my god and all the good things in the world, but I don't think that place exists. Sure, there are "open and affirming" churches that don't shun the gay community, but I need more than that. I want a religion that accepts people, period. I find something unsatisfying about the whole "acceptance in spite of the fact" deal. Maybe I want too much.

I'm going to give the whole marriage thing a lot of thought, and while I'm doing that, I'm going to keep doing what I can to foster some change so that some day the debate surrounding gay marriage will be a battle we've won. I suppose my point is that we all need to take a hard look at the world around us and stop allowing hate and hypocritical thinking to hold such sway over our society. I may get married some day, but I fear I'll always be a woman without a religion. It's okay though...my god loves me and he understands.